These People Will Make You Miserable (If You Let Them)

Make your peace non-negotiable.

Some people come into your life and make it better.

When you’re around them, you feel happier, calmer and inspired to be more.

You’re the best version of yourself in their presence.

And then there are others whom you’re not so sure about.

You get the feeling that something’s a little ‘off’ about them, but can’t quite put your finger on what it is.

So you ignore the red flags in the hopes of making it work.

Before you know it, your lives are intertwined and you find yourself living, working or playing pickleball with them three times a week.

As time goes on, you find yourself more anxious, on edge or even acting out of character when you’re around this person.

When you’re with them, life feels heavier, small problems seem insurmountable, and any kind of conflict makes you feel stuck and alone.

What Is Going On?

This is the part that used to get me stumped and very, very down … until I began educating myself about dysfunctional behaviour in myself and others.

For the first time in my life, something in me clicked.

I started to see a lot of toxic, destructive behaviors for what they were: Defense mechanisms from unhealed emotional wounds that are meant to keep someone safe from (perceived) harm.

Except that they don’t.

Instead, they just create constant misunderstandings, conflict and pain that wreck relationships.

And after checking my own dysfunctional tendencies in situations that were stirring up unnecessary chaos and negativity, I decided that I was also going to stop allowing other people to bring their chaos and negativity into my life.

I was done being miserable.

I was wasting way too much time and energy trying to understand, appease and pander to fragile egos.

It was time to stop so I could finally do what I really wanted to do: Focus on living my life, in peace.

The Misery Creep

Getting close to someone who has toxic, dysfunctional habits but no self-awareness means one thing: Their chaos will eventually creep into your life and become yours.

It’s never a matter of ‘if’, only ‘when’.

The only way to keep them from stealing your peace is to know who you’re dealing with so you can make an informed decision about whether to keep the gates open or close them.

Here’s who (or what) to look out for:

1. The Exploder

They’re stressed out of their mind and so frazzled that just about anything can trigger a highly emotional reaction.

Eventually, something does.

They shout, scream and attack anyone who crosses their path. Eventually, the unlucky person who crosses their path … will be you.

In the heat of the moment, they do and say things to you that they can never take back.

While reacting without restraint helps them blow off their pent-up steam, it almost always inflicts permanent damage to themselves, their reputation, and the other person.

And even if their explosive reactions may not be intentional, just knowing that they can blow up at any time will eventually have you feeling fearful and walking on eggshells around them, all the time.

2. The Self-Righteous

The self-righteous tend to jump to conclusions about things people say or do (or don’t) based on how they feel about the situation, regardless of what the truth actually is.

They’re so wrapped up in their own insecurities and ideas of how life and other people should be, that it never occurs to them that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

You can try to explain what happened and attempt to get them to see a different point of view, but your words will just end up falling on deaf ears every single time because they’re incapable of thinking beyond themselves and their needs.

As far as they’re concerned, their feelings are not only valid, but the indisputable reflection of reality (even when confronted with proof that it’s not) and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change that.

Trying to resolve any kind of conflict or problem with someone like this will have you going around in endless circles and questioning your reality because it will never align with their delusional expectations.

3. The Blamer

They know they’ve messed up.

But they just cannot bring themselves to own up to their mistake, take ownership of it and apologize because they don’t want to look bad.

Or maybe, being caught making a mistake as a child got them severely punished, and so now, they have to be right at any cost.

As an adult, they quickly shift the blame whenever someone confronts them about something they’ve done (or were supposed to, but didn’t).

Either way, just like reacting badly when things don’t go their way, pointing the finger at someone else when they’re clearly at fault gives you the sinking feeling that they can’t be trusted to do the right thing, especially when the stakes are high.

But of course, the blamer doesn’t see that because their unhealed trauma and ego — both powerful forces — are always in the driver’s seat.

Get close enough to this person and you’ll find yourself taking the blame and apologizing for everything that goes wrong in their lives.

4. The Victim

Each of us knows someone who loves to play the victim card every chance they get.

They’ll stir the pot, play the lead role in creating a situation that’s awkward and unhealthy, but as soon you speak up about your discomfort or what you need, they’ll make your reaction to the situation the problem.

They’ll say that you were hurtful and disrespectful, all while completely disregarding their own toxic behavior.

They’ll put on a dramatic show about how upset and wounded they are, but will never once consider how their actions have affected you.

They’ll expect you to apologize but will never consider apologizing to you.

To them, the situation is clear-cut and they want the whole world to know their version (and only their version) of it: Forget context or what really happened — they are hurt, and you did the hurting.

End of story.

5. The Passive-Aggressive

If you’ve ever had to deal with someone who’s passive-aggressive, you’d know how frustrating it can be.

You know they’re upset about something, but instead of having a conversation with you about it, they give you the silent treatment.

They’re either incapable of or unwilling to be honest and vulnerable about what’s bothering them, so they make nasty, sarcastic comments about you to someone else, in front of you.

They’ll repeatedly hint at something they’re going through or want from you, but won’t come right out and say it.

If you’re someone who values honesty, directness and vulnerability, trying to rationalize with this person is extremely draining and infuriating because any attempt to communicate with them will make you feel invisible and crazy.

6. The Avoider

Think dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour is frustrating?

Wait until you meet the avoider.

As soon as a problem, conflict or the need for a difficult conversation comes up, they’re nowhere to be found.

Instead of collaborating, discussing and problem-solving with you, they’re out the door, leaving you to clean up the mess, figure out a solution and put the pieces back together … all by yourself.

And if you don’t assume full responsibility for their mess, nothing gets resolved.

Trying to build a meaningful relationship with the avoider is like grasping at straws — you can try with all your might, but because you’re the only one who’s willing to work through the hard, messy stuff, it will likely fail.

7. The Manipulator

The manipulator has only one agenda: To get their needs met at your expense.

They’re either sweet as honey or preying on your empathy with a sob story when they want something from you.

But once they get what they want, they give you the cold shoulder … until another opportunity to use you comes up.

Allow this person into your life and you’ll risk finding yourself becoming a slave to the emotional whiplash they’ll inevitably give you with their constant scheming and hot-cold behaviour.

8. The Special Snowflake

Just like their name implies, the special snowflake thinks they’re, well, special.

So special that they often have a specific set of rules that they apply to everyone else, except themselves.

They expect you to drop everything when they need help, but when you’re the one in distress, they’ll make it very clear that you’re being an inconvenience for even asking.

The more you get to know the special snowflake, the more you start to realise how entitled they are, and so have no qualms about taking from you, while thinking that everything they do for you is a favour.

9. The People Pleaser

At first, the people pleaser can seem harmless.

They’re always pleasant, agreeable and will go to great lengths to be really nice to you, even if it’s at their own expense.

This is where it gets tricky.

Their compulsive tendency to please ends up creating stressful and unbalanced relationship dynamics with the people in their lives.

It also means that because they never want to rock the boat, you can never expect true vulnerability or honesty (especially if it’s difficult or unpleasant) from them.

In the long run, your relationship with this person will always feel oddly empty and superficial because there’s no depth or mutual long-term growth, which only facing and overcoming the hard stuff together can forge.

10. The Emotionally Immature

It’s not difficult to tell when you’re around someone who’s emotionally immature.

They will seem like a normal, well-adjusted adult when everything’s fine and life is going their way.

But as soon as they’re put in a challenging situation (hello, life!), their mask falls off, revealing their true colours.

They’re constantly looking for external validation to feed their fragile ego, find it almost impossible to express their emotions in a calm and respectful way, avoid having difficult (but crucial) conversations, get highly defensive when you ask them questions or bring up how you feel, and resort to name-calling and bullying when they don’t get their way.

And this is just the tip of their dysfunctional iceberg.

Being in any kind of relationship (be it a friend, parent or sibling) with someone who’s emotionally immature can be an incredibly lonely and isolating experience.

You get the feeling that you’re never really seen, heard, understood or cared for because they’re so wrapped up in their own emotional turmoil that they don’t have the mental and emotional capacity to validate yours or solve problems with you.

Instead, you’re always left to shoulder the load — big and small — all by yourself.

11. The Narcissist

I consider the narcissist to be the mother of all toxic personalities, because allowing someone like this into your life can do some serious damage to your mental health that can take a very long time to recover from.

From my own experience, the narcissist can exhibit several or all of the characteristics I’ve mentioned above, and once they’ve got you wound tightly in their grip, it can be extremely difficult to break free from because of all the mind games they play.

The scariest thing is, it can be very easy to fall for a narcissist’s well-laid trap if you’ve got no experience dealing with one.

Expect to be…

• Love bombed with attention, compliments and gifts when you first meet them — a classic narcissistic tactic that’s used to hook and reel you in.

• Gradually (and increasingly) manipulated, gaslit and lied to, so you doubt your truth and self-worth.

• Attacked and abused further when you start questioning their motives and behavior.

• Kept at arm’s length while being fed crumbs once they meet someone new to feed off.

• Badmouthed and have your reputation smeared once you wake up, open your eyes and see them for who they really are.

• Stalked and harassed for years to come after you’ve walked away, forcing you to take extreme measures to protect yourself and your peace.

Extracting yourself from any kind of narcissistic relationship, be it with a partner, friend, sibling or parent, is not easy and has to be done strategically to minimize the ensuing blow-up (usually to your reputation and well-being).

I never knew narcissistic people existed until I finally walked away from one and by chance, found the work of Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a California-based clinical psychologist and author of It’s Not You: Identifying And Healing From Narcissistic People.

Having been to hell and back, and my sanity pushed to my limits, let’s just say that learning about the narcissistic personality was a relief.

Discovering everything I did from Dr. Ramani validated the complicated mix of emotions I constantly struggled with while this person was in my life.

It also validated the fact that I wasn’t crazy, but what I experienced, was.

How To Protect Your Peace

It’s taken me a very long time to get my mental health back to a healthier, calmer and more resilient place.

What’s helped the most in getting me here is this: Learning how to differentiate between the people who are good for me, and those who aren’t.

I’ve learned the painful way that if you want to live a peaceful life, it’s the people around you that you need to master.

And by ‘master,’, I mean understanding who you’re dealing with and then deciding whether they have access to you (and what kind), or not.

Thinking about letting someone into your life or rethinking an existing relationship? Here’s what to consider before making a decision:

• Energy: Do you feel drained, agitated or just ‘off’, or happy, energized and calmer after you spend time with them?

• Emotional safety: Do you sense an underlying feeling of jealousy or contempt (think subtle put-downs or insults disguised as back-handed compliments) in their interactions with you, or do you feel that they genuinely care about and support you? If you were vulnerable and honest with them, would you be able to trust that they won’t use the information you’ve shared against you in the future?

• Respect: Do they honour your perspectives, needs and boundaries, or do they deliberately and repeatedly overstep them by being selfish, unkind or manipulative to get what they want?

• Authenticity: Can you be yourself with them, or do you feel the need to be a certain way for them to ‘approve’ of you?

• Communication: Are they able to express themselves calmly and respectfully when there’s conflict, or do they get defensive, attack, walk away or shut down completely because they’re unable to cope?

• Reciprocity: Do they celebrate your wins as much as you celebrate theirs? Do they remember the little things about you, as you do about them, or does the relationship feel like a one-way street?

• Self-awareness: When they make a mistake, are they able to acknowledge it, apologize for it and make things right, or do they act like nothing happened or worse, turn around and blame it on you? Do they tend to put their needs first or treat you like an emotional dumping ground without considering how you are doing?

It’s so easy to overlook the red flags (including the ones I’ve mentioned above) that come up in any relationship for a variety of reasons — they’re your boss, long-time friend who’s (confusingly) changed, or family — but the very real and painful truth is that if you keep allowing breaches of trust, respect and ultimately, peace, to continue, you’re going to end up living a miserable life.

Keep your heart and soul soft, but with your eyes wide open, and for the right people.

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