How To Be Present
A guide for anxious and stressed out beginners.
When I was a kid, life was pretty straightforward.
I went to school, hung out with my friends, came home, did my homework, went to bed, and did the same thing all over again the next day.
When I wanted to talk to a friend, I picked up the phone (the rotary kind that took a good two to three minutes to dial) to call them or (gasp!) wrote them a letter.
Entertainment wasn’t any more complicated: I made things with my hands, played jump rope with a ‘rope’ made entirely out of rubber bands, watched TV, roamed around the city and my neighborhood, or just went over to a friend’s house to chill.
Heck, even the school bus ride home was entertainment.
When I had beef with someone, I yelled at them on the phone or confronted the offending party in person to hash things out.
Yes, there were times when I’d be absent-minded or in the mood to daydream, but for the most part, I was fully present in everything I did.
This was because, well, I was a kid (what else was there to do?). But it was also because I wasn’t being pulled in a hundred different directions almost all day, every day.
Now, there’s emails and texts to keep me reachable (and therefore on edge) 24/7 , social media to turn my life into a scoreboard with flashing neon lights anyone can check at any time of the day, online bullying to contend with, digital stores that tempt me to spend money in a single click, and expectations of instant gratification from everyone and everything.
Without self-awareness and some kind of mental health management strategy, I could easily end up feeling overwhelmed, traumatised, and feeling like a puppet that’s being pulled in every direction you can think of (and I have).
My antidote to all this constant noise, chaos and distraction?
Training myself to be present.
WHAT DOES IT ACTUALLY MEAN TO BE PRESENT?
I want to be — as much as I can — one hundred percent present, body, mind and soul, in every moment without being preoccupied with the past, future or what’s going on somewhere else.
To me, that’s what being alive truly means.
When put into daily practice, living in the present can look like:
Being fully in a conversation when you’re speaking with someone by making eye contact, listening, and then responding thoughtfully.
Paying attention to your surroundings, what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling without judging or reacting.
Being aware of your senses while you’re experiencing something: What you’re seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and (or) tasting.
Letting go of your past by loosening your grip on residual feelings of anger, regret, bitterness, shame, or guilt.
Accepting the past and present as ‘what is’ without feeling the need to change things because you know that you can’t anyway.
Making peace with the fact that you have zero control over what other people think, do or say (or don’t). You make decisions knowing that you are the only person you have control over.
Recognizing that the future will always be uncertain. You do what you can to carve a path that feels right for you, but you know that worrying or trying to gain control over the outcome won’t necessarily make life better or solve your problems.
Whenever I find myself slipping into old habits of dwelling on the past, slipping into an angry, agitated state about a current situation, or getting anxious about the future, I remember this: Everything is temporary, and the only way to hold on to anything good is to fully experience it so that it becomes a memory worth holding on to.
As for the not-so-good stuff?
I allow myself to feel the emotions that come up, and then process them by working off any pent-up energy at the gym, confiding in a trusted friend, or shifting into problem-solving mode instead of wallowing in negativity and self-pity.
QUIET STRESS AND ANXIETY BY BEING PRESENT
Think back to the last time you felt anxious or stressed.
What was really going on?
Was your heart racing despite you being firmly planted on the sofa? Were your insides twisted in breath-stopping knots even though there wasn’t anyone else around?
The last time I felt this way, it was because I’d given my thoughts free reign over something traumatic that had already happened, or I felt might happen in the future.
Either way, the negativity that ends up taking up space in your mind and body tends to keep you from experiencing whatever you’re doing, and wherever you are, fully.
This is where building the habit of pulling yourself back into the present can help break the cycle of overthinking and restore your inner peace.
A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO BEING PRESENT
Living in the present never came naturally to me.
It required that I be less ‘busy’, less distracted and less frantic. I always had too much energy, too long of a to-do list to get through, and too many expectations to meet.
I was always thinking 10 steps ahead to what I needed to do next, or drowning in negativity over something that had happened in the past.
And so, I always failed to be present.
Until the day I realised that I’d been living in a black hole of busy-ness and distraction, and had emerged from the dark with nothing else to show for it.
It was then that I realised that learning how to live in the present was the only way to stop wasting my life away.
Let’s put it this way: Would you want to get to the end of your life, whenever that may be, not remembering much of what made it meaningful and happy?
I don’t.
And so I started building the habit of going about my days with presence and intention.
It hasn’t been smooth or easy, but here’s what I’ve been doing to get there.
Start Small
Forget taking big leaps with this one.
The bigger the steps you take, the less likely you’ll stick with them, especially if they make you feel like a fish out of water.
Rather than scheduling three-hour meditations, drastically altering your daily routine or attempting to overhaul your mindset in one go, think about taking baby steps so small and simple that failing will be virtually impossible.
For example:
Putting your phone away or on silent when you’re having a meal with someone.
Setting an intention for your day when you wake up.
Going to bed fifteen to thirty minutes earlier so your mornings will feel calmer.
Spending 5 minutes organising your thoughts with a brain dump into a journal (or onto an empty screen).
Making eye contact with your partner when you’re speaking with them.
The smaller your steps, the more likely you’ll be to not only take it, but keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Minimise Distractions
If you tend to be easily distracted like I am, consider zeroing in on what’s probably your biggest distraction: Your phone.
You may not realise it (for a long time, I didn’t either), but by reaching for your phone every time you hear that notification bell, you’re training yourself to be a slave to it (think Pavlov’s Bell).
This is why I tend to have my phone (and other devices) on silent, and notifications turned on only for my essential applications like messages and calls.
Everything else gets muted so they don’t keep pulling me away from whatever it is I’m trying to be present for throughout the day, whether it’s chatting with a friend or taking in the morning sun in my garden.
Ground Yourself
I once found myself having a mini emotional meltdown — triggered by a stressful thought — while driving to the gym.
By the time I got there and joined the class, I felt like I was there physically, but mentally and emotionally, I was elsewhere.
I had gone to the gym to work on my body and mental health, so I knew I needed to get out of that disengaged state if I wanted to make the most of my time in class.
So, I used the warm-up to bring myself back down to earth by grounding myself with my senses: Rubbing my arms and touching the ground, making eye contact with my friends, and listening to what my coach was saying.
This was me telling myself: “Hey, you’re here, and you’re here for a reason, so let’s be one hundred percent here.”
Gradually, I got myself back into one piece, body, mind and soul.
Do Something That Forces You To Focus
If you’ve grown accustomed to doomscrolling on your devices like I have, it’s time to switch gears and re-train your brain to focus on something that asks for 100% of your attention.
For me, this means mostly solitary activities such as writing a long-form post like this one, learning how to sew, spending time with my cat, or cooking a slow meal like a rich, Guiness beef stew.
As I get better at focusing, the more I actually enjoy what I’m doing, rather than feeling like I need to rush through it and move on to the next thing.
Create White Space In Your Day To Reset
The more I have on my mind, the more scattered my mental state is, making it difficult for me to be present.
The old me would have crammed as many to-dos into my day, planned out by the hour to get as much done, as possible.
Until the day I had a mental breakdown because I was just too overworked and saw no way out of the big, black hole I’d dug for myself.
Now, I deliberately pencil in blocks of rest time (or what I call ‘mental white space’, where I do absolutely nothing) into my day just so I can process my thoughts or give my body and mind a break.
The less busy I am, the less absent-minded and distracted I am.
Worry Less, Do More
When you’re worried about something that might happen in the future, you’re missing out on the moment you’re in now.
After having spent what feels like a lifetime wasting my time getting my insides into knots over doom-filled future events that will probably never happen, I’ve started training myself to focus on doing something about my worries instead of allowing them to rule the day (and steal my peace).
The bottom line is this: The more time you spend on carving out the life you want, the less time you’ll have to worry about things going wrong.
Be Intentional With Your Time
Another way I’ve been going about to calm and sharpen my usually chaotic mind is to set an intention and purpose for my day before I even get out of bed.
For example, this morning, I set the intention to get this post done with the purpose of helping others like me be more present in their lives.
Having these mental ‘presets’ locked and loaded allows me to visualize the path I need to take for the day or even the week ahead.
This, in turn, helps me hit the milestones I’ve set for myself with clarity, presence, and mindfulness.
Plug Your Energy Leaks
And by energy, I mean the focused life force that you give to something or someone.
Think of it as the currency that you spend in the form of time, effort, attention or even just mental space as you go through life.
An energy ‘leak’ could look like:
Repeatedly forcing yourself to sit down to stressful family dinners out of obligation.
Bending over backwards to accommodate someone else’s needs while yours goes ignored or unnoticed, and unmet.
Constantly replaying a frustrating, roundabout verbal exchange that went nowhere because the other person was too emotionally immature to focus on resolving and repairing.
Spending hours mindlessly scrolling on your phone even though you know you’ve got deadlines to meet and places to be.
Constantly giving grace to that toxic person in your life, whom you know will only turn around and stab you in the back the first chance they get.
The one thing all of these scenarios have in common is this: You, wasting precious energy that could’ve been better spent on people, things and habits that actually bring you peace, connection and productivity.
To ‘plug’ these energy leaks, I’ve become ruthlessly protective over my time, attention and mental space with boundaries.
Just the simple act of being aware of how I’ve been using my time and saying “no, thank you” has made a huge difference to my ability to think beyond the constant frustration, anxiety and disappointment that come up, so I can live in the present.
Do One Thing At A Time
Pull yourself back from the edge of the cliff and into the present by doing less.
And by less, I mean giving yourself more time and breathing space between each task so they don’t end up overlapping, leaving you frazzled and unfocused.
You can always add more to-dos to your day, but the hours you have in a day will always stay the same.
Spend Time With People Who Help You Feel Calm
You can’t always choose who becomes a part of your life — your parents, siblings, colleagues, in-laws, others who just happen to be around you because of proximity or circumstances.
They’re in your circle for better or worse, whether you like it or not.
Now you may be thinking: “S**t. I’m so f****d.”
Maybe. Maybe not.
But here’s the good news: You can choose whom you share your whole, inner self with.
As for the rest? It’s often best to keep them at a (respectful) distance; particularly the ones who’ve shown themselves to be manipulative, untrustworthy, self-centered, narcissistic or just plain immature.
These are the people who constantly stir up chaos, anxiety and your triggers with their own insecurities, unhealed wounds and inability to communicate in a meaningful way.
In other words, you’re anything but the best version of yourself when you’re around them.
There are others, on the other hand, who make you feel safe, open and calm when you’re in their company.
They help turn on a light inside of you that illuminates this realization: “There’s more to life than feeling like a slave to dysfunction, (mostly self-inflicted) pain and unexamined fears.”
These are the people you want to actively seek out, bring closer to your heart, and keep in your life for as long as you can.
What about you? What have you been doing to be more present in your life lately? I’d love to hear your lessons and tips in the comments section below :)
Photo: PetarPaunchev/Depositphotos
This world grows darker/heavier by the minute … thé simple somewhat less expensive moments are truly the ones to give inner peace and joy … lovely list … thank you for sharing …whenever I doze off in the backyard in the sun I reflect how blessed I am..can just be , safe resting and warm ….